There's always something

Today was hard.

I pushed myself to go out.. I belong to a writing group that meets once a month: and this month's meeting was today: so I went. It took days to persuade myself, not because I don't enjoy it; but because it is hard for me to be around other people when I feel anxious or stressed.  I know that both of my conditions are triggered and worsened by both of those feelings, and I become more and more uneasy and anxious that I will find myself overwhelmed, and not be able to control the trigger and the reaction.

In a room full of people who see me regularly, that is bad enough..  on a plane full of fellow travellers, and with no way of removing myself from the situation, the idea of it is terrifying. That is why I am so grateful that I enjoy the process so much.. and that every journey is made with complete strangers: people who know nothing about me, and who I will likely never see again... because if they were ever exposed to the strangeness and unusual behaviour that would result, I would at least have the comfort of knowing I won't be sitting next to them on the journey back....

There are times when it is very hard for me to be accepting of the way I am. I tell very, very few people my diagnosis:  in the past there have been those who have found out and immediately shunned me. people who for years I have thought of as close, dear friends suddenly became either dismissive and unavailable, or worse (for me, at least)  began to behave so nervously and cautiously around me that it made me impossibly uncomfortable. So now, I don't mention, disclose or discuss it, even with medical professionals, unless they are directly involved with helping me to manage it.

HOWEVER...  now that my previous travel insurance has lapsed, I find myself in a quandary. I need to have cover, obviously: but to be properly insured, I have (again) to go through the explanations and confusion to make sure that if something should happen, my cover won't be affected because the company wants to suggest that the situation was due to my MH problems. It is far easier to get them to accept and understand a physical condition, and how that can affect me.  The initial application isn't the problem: its the follow-up call to get more detailed information that really does it.  I felt sorry for the person who took my call when I applied last time: they were unfailingly helpful and polite: but their confusion and uncertainty was obvious:  and I can guarantee that the 5 minute pause while I was on hold was purely due to the fact that they could not find my particular condition on their drop list.....

I know.  I'm talking a lot about 'conditions' and not offering any real detail to explain why its such a problem.. but that's the point. If I detail it here, there is a chance that at some point, others will read it. And that those others will include people who know me.. even under my user name:

and then the awkwardness...