The Thing Is......

Today. I have (after sleeping: which believe me has become no easy task lately!) been comparing travel insurance quotes. (Yes, I know... I am just THAT exciting...)   I can't believe how quickly the last year has passed, and how soon the expiry date has come around.  So much has happened, both during, and in between my trips: and my life has changed so drastically over the past couple of years, that I barely recognise it.. or me.

For some people, this kind of blogging seems pointless and self-indulgent. I can understand their point of view: there are those who think that a blog should maybe be educational: informative.  I tend to just empty my head onto the page, however inane, and perhaps edit it later if it makes no sense, or is too off the wall even for ME to read...Doing this, for me, is a way to create order inside: to perhaps calm my thoughts to the point where I can make sense of them; sometimes, I even find that I discover things about myself, or my ideas, that I didn't know existed...  I try to read every entry as though someone else wrote it: hoping that if it appeals to me, it might appeal to others. I kind of made a promise that I would:   1)  make an effort to write more, generally (I've been struggling, I can't deny it)  and 2) once I did start writing, that I would also make an effort to publicise it a little. hence settling this up as a blog, rather than making an online journal that only I can read.  Right now, I seem to be stuck on a travel theme: not necessarily a bad thing: but it is unusual for me to write about anything in quite such personal detail: and I very rarely make my inner ramblings so public (for the sake of others as much as my own)  But...  a promise is a promise.


 I journal and blog to clarify my thoughts: to create some order in my often chaotic head...  I do have a couple of private blogs, which I visit infrequently, mainly because as I cycle through my weirdness, I forget that I created them, and am generally reminded by emails telling me they are languishing in the ether.  I also have a physical journal, which I usually try to use every day (not always possible, but I try)
The physical act of writing:  of selecting just the right pen:  just the right page. |The movement of my hand over that page: the sight of the words flowing (or even being slowly squeezed) from the nib of the pen, is calming to me. It causes me to slow, in order to allow the transfer of what is in my head, through my hand, to the page with some degree of coherence. That in turn can often ease the rush of ideas, thoughts, feelings, and allow me to sort them, catalogue them, Recognise each for what it is, examine it, and set it down, happier that I can at least find it again and revisit what it has meant for me.

I realised that I instinctively apply that same principal to other areas of my life. When I am at my most anxious, distressed, or overwhelmed, I find myself looking for chores around the flat. I dust: tidy, fold and re-fold sheets and towels. Re-order books on shelves. go through the cabinets in my kitchen and move things around: and all the while my hands are busy doing that, I am settling my mind.

When I know that I am going to be making a trip, I have ways of doing the same thing,  The moment I decide on a date to travel, I am instantly anxious: not about the journey itself, but about what might go wrong before  or during. I make endless lists - 'to-do' lists so detailed that they are all but moment to moment. lists of what to pack, and which bag to pack it in.  I pack and repack.. amend lists, check and double check flight details and bookings...  I assuage that anxiety by overplanning: even creating an itinerary that I would be highly unlikely to be able to keep to, but which offers a sense of security that helps to maintain a degree of calm. I'm ok.. I have a plan.
I was also given a kind of 'emergency pack' by my very understanding boyfriend.. it contains a list of contact names and numbers so that should there be a problem while I'm travelling,  I (or anyone else on my behalf) can contact him. it has a typed statement explaining my condition just in case it should be triggered:  and his address, because if my physical problem starts affecting my memory, I might well struggle to remember where to ask the cab driver to take me.  All of these things help:  as does making sure that I have some familiar things with me:  I always carry phone, notebook, pen. usually a couple of books to read (although I read so fast and intently I often finish these mid-journey)
Part of my hidden condition that I have great difficulty approaching strangers to ask for help or information...  so when I am going away, I also try to make sure that I not only know which gate I need to find: but have a rough idea of the layout of the airport I'm travelling from/to so that I can navigate a little more easily.  part of me wishes that it was possible to maybe just link in to a wireless information system, like an internal GPS service within an airport, that would guide me to where I needed to be: but I doubt there is any such service developed yet... (although.. if there is anyone reading this, I may well just have given away a damned fine idea.....)