Honesty.. Really the best Policy?

For the past...(thinks)  2 months, I have been planning and organising my next trip. I have searched and re-searched websites for prices, dates, hotels, rail fares. I made list after list of things I needed to put into my case: then spent weeks packing, unpacking, repacking and pacing anxiously back and forth in front of my case, stressed to the point of tears because while I don't want to overpack, I also can't leave behind something that I may need. Today, I removed several items, replaced them with others, and sat on the end of my bed shaking because I was so unsure. 

I don't make decisions. At least, I don't make them easily, or willingly. And to explain that, I think I am finally going to have to explain the condition that I have been so reluctant to name. It's strange... I can't tell whether I'm ashamed, embarrassed or just self-protective, but...

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. The condition formally known as.. Multiple Personality. Usually portrayed in movies as the illness that psychopaths claim to have in order to justify horrific crimes, and escape punishment for them.

The reality is very different. I have never committed any kind of crime, violent or otherwise. I don't think I've ever used it as an excuse for anything: mainly because I haven't shared my experience of it with people, except in a very few cases. And making decisions.. If you've ever belonged to any kind of committee you'll understand. Taking a vote every time anything needs to be done is exhausting and time consuming. Grocery shopping can be a nightmare... Some days, getting dressed in a morning is a major battle.  packing a suitcase, especially a small one, is hellish. I make a list; pare it down to the barest minimum. I pack.   A few days later, I go back.. open the case. Remove the 20 additional items someone has decided are essential and can't be left at home. Stuffed toys. Clothing in 6 different styles. Books...sometimes a dozen books from all genres. Notebooks, pens, toys: jewellery. Last week, there were 5 pairs of shoes in there. I wanted 2. I'm going to be travelling with a single, hand-luggage sized case, and a small backpack which will contain travel documents: print-offs of rail travel information, bus timetables, and hotel booking paperwork. I have a small plastic folder containing pens, notebook and a small sketchbook in there too: and my phone,purse, cards camera and one pair of clean underwear will also be travelling in there. I don't want to overfill it: I don't want to be carrying around things that I will not need. But already I am having to sweep through that bag too, because in the periods that I am switchy, the blanks and gaps in my memory and awareness, someone keeps sneaking more into there.  I won't need the backscratcher, the 3 small stuffed toys, the hand-held console game (and games for it) the three additional books, training shoes and hairbrushes. I don't leave for another week and a half, but I know I'm going to be absolutely exhausted and stressed to the point of tears by the time I leave. And that is before taking into account trying to stay present and aware for the whole journey (never happens. I always end up switching at least half a dozen times trying to cope) and finding ways to disguise the more bizarre behavioural changes (think fat middle aged woman wide-eyed and fascinated by the vending machines in the hotel lobby, bouncing like a 3 year old because she wants to get icecream from the magic shop....)

Add into this mix the fatigue, memory fog and pain of fibromyalgia, and the crippling anxiety that means talking to strangers into an ordeal like no other, plus the creeping certainty that I will have missed something that I really needed to have with me.. that one of the 'others' will have taken out my travel documents to look at them, or make space for a colouring book, or just because. and I won't be able to go anywhere..

I travel because I love it. What I don't love is the infirmity of my ageing body, and the tendency of my fractured mind to sabotage every single thing I do...